Raising a Child While Grieving for a Lost One: The Cruelty of Everyday Navigation

What is a Mother's Sole Desire?

A mother's sole desire is to raise her children in the best circumstances possible, providing them with everything they need while being their home, their safe haven. The overwhelming responsibility of fulfilling this role is an experience that resonates with all mothers. Every situation, big or small, occupies a mother’s mind to the tiniest detail, both consciously and unconsciously. These instincts come naturally to mothers and parents across all life forms.

The Heartbreak of Losing a Child

For whatever may come, a parent, by natural laws of life, will protect their child. Yet, not all parents are fortunate enough to fulfill their role. Life is cruel to some in such ways that they witness the most terrible moments of putting their little ones away in caskets and laying them to rest. The moments in which all this happens are when they die deep inside. The numbness and the silence are not strength, but just their bodies performing whatever is the norm within this most abnormal of events. The catastrophe for these parents doesn't end with the funeral, rather, the day they lose their child marks the onset of an apocalypse that their life will witness thereafter.

For parents who have lost a precious little one while raising another one, they will know what the days after such a loss mean. Not only are they shattered beyond capacity, but the fact that they are still parents to a little person who has also lost a sibling, a shadow of themselves, a lifelong companion, is a mammoth thought they need to process and get a hold of. The solidarity and weight of this situation play like glasses for blinding eyes.

The Impact of Grief on Children

The child, grievingly, looks at these broken humans who are parents, watches a mother become a million weak pieces from that figure of strength and support, sees a father hide and dissolve from that solid armor, and experiences the most horrifying situation of being lost while being with them. This child has not only lost her little sibling, but maybe her parents, too, that very instant. We, the unfortunate ones who have had to say goodbye to our baby while holding on to the other child, crave moments to explode and cry out loud. We have been thrust into this situation unexpectedly, without our consent, and have no recourse to appeal.

Every day is a brand new challenge. But the situations we as adults are seemingly unable to navigate still fall small in comparison to what the child who has lost a sibling has to go through. Their efforts to get back to normal require a resilience that is undefined. Where the feeling of loss hits hard, the comprehension of death as a finality trickles bit by bit, impacting every little thought that pours out. The result - a tsunami in the mind. A storm that is there, but wisdom to face it is far from reach. A new challenge each day tires them. As they try to reintegrate into school life, the stark contrast between the grief at home and the lively atmosphere at school can be jarring. The longing to express their grief is often stifled by the need to appear "normal" in front of peers who may not understand their pain.

This little person, who had a constant, chirpy, little version of themself at home, shadowing them at all times, doing something new at every instant, involving them every second of the day, is now alone, so abruptly and harshly. Among friends, teachers, schedules, and all the activity, their mind oscillates between the happy and sad emotions. It plays havoc! Their reactions to normal events, responses to regular behavior, capacity to absorb knowledge, and academic performance are all massively compromised. This child's home is a whole new place with their sibling absent. No matter how much we try and normalise, no matter how supportive the school environment is, no matter how uplifting a routine gets, the reality remains rock steady, heavy, brutal, and savage.

Supporting Grieving Children

Children will eventually learn to accept their loss and move ahead with their lives, holding the lost ones differently. As parents, we continue their routine to get them back into their rhythm, as their little minds are still not ready to process this event in all its maturity. But the mind and the heart have their own pace of learning, and children may struggle to articulate their feelings. Grief is as real for them as it is for us adults. While we can talk about it, discuss reasons and details around the event of losing our child repeatedly, in our minds, with people who were involved or are around. Children, on the other hand, are expected to return to normalcy. They are witnessing a constant conflict with everything at home, the rituals, the final goodbye, the framing of photographs, flowers, visiting the grave, and yet are expected to put their minds on regular activities and studies, to avoid the harsh reality. I agree, they need to get through this swiftly to not scar their little minds, but it is so hard trying to keep them both close to us, protect them more than ever, and yet keep them at bay with the void that the family now experiences.

Friends and peers may find it challenging to understand the emotional state of a grieving child. Children are incapable of sharing these emotions with their friends at this tender age, and are simultaneously incapable of ignoring the fact that they have lost their little sibling. The differences in behavior and reactions can create confusion and strain friendships. To grasp that their friend's mind is in a state of constant battle to feel secure is way beyond their parameter of understanding.

To have your child's friends accept them as they navigate the grief of losing her sibling, while you yourself are still fighting every day to accept the reality of child loss, is life's most evil face. You wish no one ever had to live through this.

Parenting Redefined

Despite the overwhelming nature of this situation, parents and children must recognize that their feelings are valid. I am now helping my child realise that they are NOT a person no one likes anymore, that their reactions, despite being unacceptable to even them, are absolutely normal in this difficult situation, that it is okay if they do not want to do anything at all, as their mind is constantly trying to learn how to accept life without their sibling, which is why it is angry and confused, and that they will become strong through all of this. I am fighting my way to get my child to see the light I myself am unable to. I try to show her a path that promises healing and happiness beyond my faith in anything good ever coming our way. We as parents are doing things for only one of our children that we constantly want to do for both, and are yet unable to. Every moment we spend together, our efforts are to make her feel that we are still a complete family, even though, as parents, we feel incomplete in every sense.

This constant battle is draining, rough, and probably never-ending. The child who is here to witness the fall is getting the lessons in the toughest of ways. Why does life get so punishing? What brings these difficult times so shamefully? Even though the questions are daunting, there are no ears to these cries. So we fight, we learn, and together we will walk this path.

A Message to Our Lost Child

Dear Aabi, our journey without you is not worth anything. Your presence is felt in each moment, and your sister is fighting a battle even we find arduous. Your face, your eyes, and your smile bring us comforting warmth, and we try and find our strength through you. We miss you, darling baby.

United in Grief

For all those parents, navigating through this journey of child loss and raising children who are grieving too, let's hold the fort together, as there is no other way than to face it hard. Just as rocks harden with every wave that hits them, we too will, as families. Till then, hold them close, cover them in your warmth, all of them together, the ones here, and the ones beyond, for this is their only safe place, their home!