The Truth About a Mother

'GOD CANNOT BE EVERYWHERE, HENCE CREATED MOTHERS.'

The Profound Connection Between Mothers and Children

I will dwell on this sentence for the rest of my life, and like me, many others might also be. As a child, I have been all my versions, good and even more, worse, only in my mother's presence. I have walked this planet with an unstated, unshakable confidence that my mother will always come to my rescue. She will be there for everything I have, good, bad, ugly, happy, annoying, frustrating, exciting, and just everything. I have impulsively always gone to her for all things. I believed she had a way for and with all that I come across. The belief always proved correct.

Then, I became a mother. An experience I might not be able to share here through mere words, and a feeling I share with countless others across. Like all mothers, I also go through a significant mix of emotions. And like all mothers, I believe I will always be there for my children, wherever they are. That wherever they go, they will find me. I will put myself in the way of anything bad that comes towards them. I will face first, anything that tries to harm them. I will take on myself whatever I have to, to save them from this world and its might.

WRONG! I WAS WRONG!

And so is every mother in this universe. We are not some God's cover-up on the Earth. We, in reality, in this Earthly life, are simply human. We create life, but cannot sustain it. At the moment when any child is taken away from this world, a mother is as helpless as any other family member. She has no powers to hold on to or save the baby she birthed.

The Ultimate Truth of Motherhood

Dear mothers around the world, as I live this harsh reality myself, I am sharing the pain of how we can only deeply love who we create, but cannot sustain their lives. We cannot even pass on to them our life, our breaths, our heartbeats, for them to survive the unthinkable. When misfortune strikes, we don't get to save them. I didn't get to save my lovely Aabi. I was not even consulted on the upcoming plans fate had. Leave aside the fact that I thought I would die for my child, I stood beside her, in shock, unaware of where to go from there. I was so incapacitated watching her take her last breath that my mind froze. In that moment, I continued doing what a mere physical form would do. I don't even think I was comprehending being her mother in those moments. The flow of events numbed me, so I guess.

The ultimate truth comes bare. It isn't covered in worldly lessons. It doesn't come from books of faith that depict mothers as the mighty ones who can save us from the wrath of time. I question whether a mother's blessings and her wishes are enough to carry anyone across storms of any magnitude. Because when death comes walking, it doesn't knock. Nothing worked when my chest bled open, and I screamed for my child to stay. No one was there to listen when I begged to go instead of my child. My mother was and is as helpless as I am. She watches as this riot inside me bleeds me dry. She watches as I scream my child's name till my throat rips. She, like me, can simply watch and break.

Since Aabi's last moment, I am connecting to mothers who have also lost their children, and I witness how all of us have changed forever. How we keep searching for the last bits and pieces of everything our child's soul touched. How this ache makes us survive minutes of the day, sniffing through their clothes. How we talk to empty chairs, as the silence seems like betrayal, shouting at its highest pitch. Each one of us is bargaining with God in the same breath that we curse him in.

Questioning Beliefs and Strengths & The Weight of Unanswered Questions

I question all that I believed in. My baby might have expected me to save her in those moments when she lost the little battle against time. She might have felt confident in me, my motherly powers, in those last breaths she took, that I would pull her out.

Could I have? Did I fail? Or is it all a myth?

So many whys, and so many faiths shaken to the core. All questions unanswered. Not because I am thankless and have no gratitude, but because I am a mother myself, and I know all my love, prayers, blessings, wishes, and all the might in me fell short when time decided to take my baby. Gratitude for all that was and all that is will always remain, but the confidence that mothers are all-powerful is at its lowest. Should I apologise for this feeling that has crept inside of me? My mother would know. The mothers in this would also know.

Embracing the Duality of Motherhood

This side of motherhood is weak. No mother must be brought to experience this during her lifetime. No mother should ever have to face her weaknesses and still have to face life ahead. As I walk hand-in-hand with the regular version of a mother, raising a child who has lost a sibling, I feel neither my bones nor my soul are the same.

I am this person now who looks up to the creator who made us all, and I understand how creators are unable to sustain what and who they create. I understand the pain and weakness, the unknown, unseen creator might also experience every day. I can relate to the helplessness of the one who gave life and yet was unable to save one. I know for sure, the giver cannot be the taker. I know the force that takes is different from the one that gives. Maybe I understand, or maybe I now know.

The Enduring Power of Love

Despite the lacuna, I am convinced that the love that broke me is what helps me crawl, rise, and walk today. I might never be whole again, but I can love as wholly as ever. It is the only exclusive quality that remains unique to us mothers. Our souls are capable of loving beyond form and existence. It begins long before the child is here and continues into eternity and the beyond. It remains incomparable and unfathomable. The single most strong feeling that, probably, steers the universe. Yes, only steers it, without being able to control it, manoeuvre it, or change fate. It is proof that both strength and weakness are the building blocks of mothers. Weaknesses and strengths act at specific moments and cannot replace each other as per our needs. No rules play when the time comes. We, like all creations, will be brought down to our knees and will be made to abide. We create, give, and love. We do not sustain. We can now forever protect and sustain our child’s memories. The life they had will keep alive through these forever. For we are just mothers, like fathers, like sisters, like brothers.

I wish our babies who are not here with us, are somewhere in this celestial existence, happy and ever safe, surrounded by our love that flows to them unstoppable.