What Am I Now?

Building Our Identities

We spend our lives building our identities, our personalities, our image, relationships, career, and a home. As we grow, we evolve at every stage. We gather and we lose, shaping what we become. Our everyday lives are so attuned to a routine, practices, and habits that we rarely sit and spend time with ourselves. Of all our habits, we must carve out a moment where we isolate and talk to ourselves, asking who and what we are.

At 41, I sit and ask myself this question. There exists an 'I was' and now there is an 'I am'. There are always these versions of you, but attempting to do this now, after losing a child, is so overwhelming. The way losing a child shatters your world is beyond words. The expectation to navigate life and walk this road ahead, while carrying the countless broken pieces, every single moment of every day, is now a new normal.

The Pain of Absence

Those who love and care for you will try reasoning with the idea of a future that will be softer, bearable, maybe. Their intentions of giving comfort will draw all possible paths that will lead to a tomorrow with life in it. But please know that tomorrow and the future will be as empty as it is today. There will be new and different reasons with occasions to be happy, but this reason and this situation of loss remain unchanged at all times. The fact that in all of the tomorrows and all of the future ahead, my baby will always be absent, is a timeless wound.

Navigating Relationships Amid Grief

I recognize the discomfort that my presence may evoke. The need to be happy and find positivity is as human as holding on to people and memories one loves. This clashes with my reality, making me a challenging companion. I find myself avoiding joyful people, a stark contrast to my former self. I long to speak of my children, especially a little more of the one who is all just memory. The urge to recall every detail, to mention my child's name, tearing up intermittently, is making me difficult as a person. Or maybe the realisation of not wanting to dampen someone's happiness is isolating me.

Embracing the Complexity of Grief

As humans, we crave moments to cherish and remember. Yet, I now distance myself, hesitant to share my pain, fearing that any thought of my child might take over me. The longing to see my little one makes me close my eyes to new experiences.

Because when I look around, I see my daughter's eyes that search for her parents, who were full of life, all family and friends who want us back, living for happiness that might come our way. I am expected to normalise on this journey ahead, where my children will grow up isolated. I am to carry all this and find reasons to build again, because no matter what, the Earth continues to revolve around the sun, seasons continue to change, and days and nights go on forever. Because all of us are so small compared to this huge reality. Our brokenness is so minuscule compared to what goes on around us.

Normalizing Brokenness

Yet, I wish we all could normalise brokenness. I wish everyone would accept a broken me. I wish I could speak about my child with the ease as I would have if she were here. I wish everyone around would agree to be a part of this new process without the effort to offer healing. I am learning to understand where and when I can talk about my feelings and when I am to bottle them up to shield them all.

I wish I am able to pass on happiness to my daughter from within the cracks. All my energy is focused on balancing my emotions to offer the softest support to my child, so she can walk ahead, holding her little sibling in her heart with grace, strength, and comfort.

Connecting with Myself

As I once connected with the divine, I now strive to connect with myself, trying to navigate this altered reality. What am I now? It may take time to find the answer, but I will always be a mother of two.

A Message to Others Experiencing Loss

If you are trying to reason with a new world, a new reality around you, hold on for as long as it takes. Be patient with yourself, there is hardly anything we can do with the process. Express your feelings, share your memories, and mention the name that brings tears to your eyes. This pain is a testament to the boundless love you hold. Do not let anyone tell you it's time to move on. Keep your loved ones alive in your heart, hold them close, cry for them, and talk to them.

Honoring Their Memory

Dedicate moments and thoughts to them. Each day will prepare you a little more for yourself, your family, your children, and for that moment of happiness when smiling might feel okay, and happiness might feel comfortable too.