Dear Aabi

My dear little baby,

I sit down today to express feelings I am unable to share directly with you. Things I want to say to you, but do not know how to reach you. So, here I create this platform, where others might read and relate, allowing my thoughts, prayers, and emotions to echo to you.

It has now been two months since the day you last woke up and ran to me, asking for cuddles, talking about the cute things that filled your little mind, and singing joyfully. Every day since I drove you to the hospital, never to return home with you, I search for reasons behind what has happened. Our lives—your sister's (Didi's), your papa's, your grandparents', uncles', cousins', aunts', and most definitely your mumma's- have not only changed but transformed in ways we are yet to comprehend.

Every day, my darling, I talk about you and to you. I revisit all the memories I captured and reflect on the moments I wish I could have changed. I ask you daily what I did wrong that made you choose to leave instead of fighting with me, as you always did. Though I try to hold back, I often share your videos and pictures with those close to me. I want us to think of you together, hoping that some vibes reach you through the energy shifts around us. After all, the universe is driven by nothing but energy.

I cannot forget how you sat beside me, cuddling so closely, fitting perfectly in my arms, on my shoulder, beneath my neck. When I kiss your pictures, I feel your soft cheeks. My hands long to give you gentle massages, comb your silky hair, and dress you every day. I wish so strongly to hear your voice around the house, fighting with Didi over everything, or both of you enjoying a new song in the car. Our drives are now quiet. Our mornings are silent. The nights stretch long and dull.

Seeking Understanding

I give myself new reasons to rationalize your passing. Perhaps that was all the time you had. But I ask you, why, sweetheart? Why did this have to happen? Now that you are part of a greater truth, you might understand better. You are probably not the youngest among us anymore, but the wisest and most comforted. Tell me, baby girl, what took you so far away? How could you, so small and dependent on me, make such a swift decision so suddenly in this vast universe?

Some questions come up every day. I create beliefs around me that might offer answers. I engage in discussions and start conversations with different people about you to keep your memory alive in the minds of those around me. I feel the need to surround myself with everyone willing to talk about you. Little bubba, I fear the world will grow accustomed to being without you. I keep asking your sister how she feels, and she lovingly misses you in every moment. Your papa doesn’t share much, but his pain is evident in his eyes. We wish to see both you and didi run to him, screaming with joy, when he walks through the door each evening. I crave for you to send him a flying kiss every morning as he leaves.

Darling Aabi, my days and moments are so attuned to you that I find myself with nothing else to do. I sit and reflect on how beautifully you had my time in control, and how lovely that busy, tired feeling was. I long for that. If I ever annoyed you because I was tired, please forgive me, my baby. You know that Mumma's attention was always on you. Didi and Papa are your biggest fans, and we are all so proud of you for being our light and joy. You brought the fun and craziness into our lives that we never knew we could show.

We miss you, Aabi. I hope we can convey our love to you. I wish to build pathways to connect through consciousness, as everyone talks about. I long to see you in my dreams, which I have not yet been able to do. I wish to wake up from this bad dream and have you with us again—so beautiful, so full of life, so happy, and ever so perfect.

Sending you all our love, and craving yours forever.

Connecting Through Shared Grief

If anyone relates to these feelings of nurturing love with no place to go, I encourage you to find others who share your mindset to create that energy. Let us send all our love to those we miss, wherever they are in this universe. Let us fill the space with them and never feel a moment without their presence.